Note: This is a parody that compiles every argument I've ever heard that attempts to prove that lesbians aren't real. Everything stated as fact in this essay is not true. I thought this would be obvious, but I've received comments and emails that show me that the outrageous statements made here are too close to what people, especially academics actually write. The correspondence with Alix Dobkin explores this idea further.
I assert here that there is no such thing as "lesbian." No lesbian women,
no
lesbian music, no lesbian jewelry, no lesbian poetry, no lesbian households,
no lesbian fashion, no lesbian politics, no lesbian culture. None. There
is some
thing else like these things, but all of what you might call lesbian-whatever
is really
something that people do. Not "lesbian people," because, and I will prove
this:
There are no lesbians.
I am compelled to produce this article because I have finally had it with
certain
personages in print and society who insist on limiting people, saying such-and-
such is "lesbian-whatever" when everyone knows that no one can define "lesbian"
I can demonstrate that every definition of "lesbian" is inaccurate at best,
and
--that this is the part that makes me ill--every definition of "lesbian"
oppress
es someone, excludes someone, shows the inherent insensitivity and in-humanness
of anyone who tries to assert the alleged fact of lesbian existence, and
I think
you know who I'm talking about. I remain silent no more. I must tell the
truth ab
out this myth of lesbians which threatens our very way of life, our very
existence as
people.
What are the various so-called definitions of "lesbian?"
• A lesbian must be born a genetic
and physical female, live as a woman; a
woman whose primary emotional and physical relationships are with other women.
This is favorite definition of militant lesbian feminists. However, many
women fit
this description, yet still have sexual and emotional relationships with
men.
These women are still lesbians. If she calls herself a lesbian, then she
is one.
If a woman knows she is a lesbian, and falls in love with a man, and marries
him, and creates a loving home and a family with him, does she cease being
a lesbian?
Does she cease being herself? Of course not. She is just more of herself.
When she
knew herself as a "lesbian" and called herself that, that was what was right
for her at the time, and if it still feels right to herself to call herself
"lesbian," then
will I tell her not to? Can I tell a woman something about herself that
she doesn't know? I hope I will never stoop so low as to even think about
trying.
• Lesbians are women who live
apart from men, so called "amazons" and
"separatists." Have you ever heard of anything more silly? or more dangerous?
Don't they know
that men are half the human race? And males are half of every species? Don't
they
know that men and women have 97% the same genetic material? Them is Us,
sweethearts! Either get real, or find yourself a nice remote padded cell
to be
paranoid schitzo. We just can't have people like this in charge of anything,
I sometimes wonder if they should be in charge of themselves.
• A lesbian is a woman who has
sex with women.
Lot's of people who call themselves "lesbians" never have sex. Lots of self-called
"lesbians" have sex "once in a while" with men. Lots of male people love
women
like women do, and know that their primary identity is "lesbian." People
are a lot
more complicated than you might wish. What the militant lesbian separatists
don't
understand is that "lesbian" means anything. That's why it has no definition.
It's self-evident. If it could be defined, than it would be. But since it
cannot be
defined, then it can mean anything. Think of the power this word has for
people.
A word that can mean many things is a powerful word, in the company of words
like "love" and "life." So many militant lesbians try to make it an exclusive
word
pertaining only to their narrow little definition. Don't they see that they
are just
trying to keep this powerful word for themselves? It belongs to everyone.
In fact
it belongs especially to certain "everyones" who have been excluded from
the power of this word for so
long: men. What if a person were born a man, but realizes he is a woman,
endures years of
therapy, chemicals, and surgery, lives as a woman, and finds her primary
emotional
and physical relationships with women? She is a lesbian. Perhaps this same
person
does not wish to endure years of therapy and surgery. Suppose she chooses
to
live as a woman in the world, be addressed with female pronouns and wear
exclusively
"female" clothing. She is a lesbian. Suppose this person does not choose
to live
in the world as a woman, nor be addressed with female pronouns, nor wear
exclusively "female" clothing. If she calls herself a "lesbian" then she
is one.
As Alix Dobkin so succinctly put it: "Any Being Can Be A Lesbian." [This
line has been
changed. Please read why. ] It doesn't
matter who you love, as long as you love.
It doesn't matter what the state of your gonads
is, because no one chooses their sexual partners on the basis of the contents
of their crotch; healthy people choose our sexual partners from desire, from
companionship, from chemistry, from fate.
I want to see an end to the adjective "lesbian." Right now. It has only
verisimilitude, no true reality outside a very small, dangerous, and powerful
junta of self-styled Thought Police who control the women's press, and much
of the
gay and liberal press as well. We must stop these people.
Take "lesbian music." Mostly songs about falling in love with women, having
your
heart broken by women, leaving women, wanting to love women who don't love
you. Is
this new? Is this any different from 95% of so called "mainstream" music?
No.
So-called lesbian music can be enjoyed by anyone, you don't have to call
yourself a
"lesbian" to like "lesbian music." And you don't have to call yourself a
lesbian
to make lesbian music.
The same argument can be extend to everything else that self-styled "lesbians"
try
to claim for themselves at the exclusion of the rest of us.
• Lesbian poetry: poems
about making love to, leaving, falling in love
with &c; women. No different from "mainstream" poetry.
• Lesbian fashion: All invented
by non-lesbians. Short hair on women: invented
by athletes like Dorothy Hamill and Olga Korbut, both non-lesbians. Short
hair on
top, long hair in back: invented by David Partridge. Flannel shirts: invented
by
lumberjacks and hunters. 501 jeans: invented by fags. No makeup: invented
by
third world women and hippie chicks. Backpacks: invented by students. &c.
• Lesbian jewelry: First
off, the labrys. Invented by Creteans, who consisted
of both men and women, whose culture existed for thousands of years. We can
assume
they had sex with each other. Current labrys fad is adopted not only by so-called
lesbians, but female and male feminists. We're all in this together, honeys;
let's not let baby games like "secret" badges of identity keep us from fighting
the
real enemy. Secondly: silver sculptures of vulvas, often with a pearl where
the
clitoris should be. Only self-styled "lesbians" have vulva's? Give me a break.
• Lesbian households: Everyone
who has lived in a household that supposedly
consists only of "lesbians" is also a member of the "Surprise Boyfriend Breakfast
Club." That's a fact, and any exception you might point out only proves the
rule.
• Lesbian politics: Who
cares about lesbian politics? A bunch of uptight
pubic-hair splitters all trying to out-PC each other: who is most oppressed,
who
is most anti-male, who can hate their ex-lover the most. It's not a pretty
sight,
and as soon as they scratch each other's eyes out the better for us civilized
folk.
• Lesbian culture: This is
just the sum of the above, plus the rest of
human culture that so-called lesbians try to claim all to themselves. They
have to
see that we are all human beings, we have to share the planet, so they might
as well
share their social events, their parties, their everything with the rest
of us
because it doesn't belong to them. If we are all working toward the same
goals,
then we have to share everything thing we have. Let's share the burdens;
let's
share the joys.
Lastly, and this is clearly the best evidence for asserting that there
are no
lesbians. "Lesbian" means a person who lives on the lovely, sunny isle of
Lesbos,
in the Greek archipelago. We must cease slandering these poor people with
our
US-centered assumptions. These people have had their very name stolen from
them
by mostly white European women who are not Greek, and have, for the most
part, n
ever even visited the island. No other place on earth is more the butt of
jokes and
innuendo than this island, and it's all because these women who insist on
calling
themselves "lesbians" for no apparent reason have stolen their name, stolen
their
very identity. If these self-called "lesbians" really do exist (and I think
I have
shown that they cannot and should not exist), then they could at least choose
a name for themselves that doesn't belong to some other culture, some other
people
which is already economically, politically, and culturally oppressed.
So there you have it. I hope you can see the sanity of my argument and
we can
put all this foolish "lesbian" stuff to rest. Let's get on to more important
topics
that have a reality. Like"bisexuality."
In the end, "lesbian" is just
a label that has no meaning,
like "democrat,"
like "fascist,"
like "homophobe,"
like "doctor,"
like "adult child,"
like"lawyer"
like"bus driver,"
like "artist."